Scarling

I know I haven’t been writing in here as faithfully as I said I would.

This past week, work has been too much stress so when I get home, I don’t want to count calories versus minutes of exercise … I just want to relax my brain.

Also, I went out this past week to the pub with some girls from work … I normally don’t go out, so when they asked me along I figured, hey, why not, it’s not like I have a weekly opportunity here.

And I drank three pints.

And I decided in my drunken state that a meat feast pizza with a side of chips was a good idea.

I am disgusted at myself.

And what doesn’t help is I have BDD. I swear my body shape changes hourly depending on how good I feel about myself. And it’ll never look right to me.

But I can’t stand it … I can’t stand this … at least if I drop to the weight and size I was when I was about sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, I’ll know logically that I’m at a healthy weight and look ok - I can see in pictures now that I looked fine - when I never could see it then.

Even if I don’t see it in real life, I can remind myself in my head that that is what my body will look like that that weight … and that will help.

But right now … I feel like tearing myself apart. I hate the way I look. I hate how inactive I am now. I hate it all.

So, this whole counting calories thing is not going to be enough for me.

I need to set my limits.

Thinking back to the last time I was losing weight steadily and fairly healthily, my eating plan will be as follows:

Breakfast: 1 bowl of cereal. End of.
Lunch: 1 salad with water. End of.
Tea: 1 normal, healthy meal. End of.
Treats: 1 small, normal treat after tea and ONLY after tea (i.e. 1 cookie or three biscuits or 1 cake). End of.
Drinks allowed: Water, green tea and only 2 coffees a day. End of.

NO BOOZE. Whatsoever. Not even a glass of rose wine.

If, and only if, I can see weight loss on the scale or a noticable change in how my clothes fit (cause I’ll still look the same to me, I can only tell by scales or tight/loose clothing), then and only then will I be allowed ONE bottle of rose wine.

Daily exercises, to be done every morning before work:

30 full sit ups
30 leg lifts/leg
50 calf raises/leg
30 squats
10 floor press-ups
30 wall press-ups

Three times a week, after work, I will jog in place for 40-45 minutes.

I will lose this. I HAVE TO. Because I honestly cannot stand myself.

I bought a new pair of jeans yesterday, because my old ones were worn through. And they fit nice - except for the ass, because my ass is a size larger than my waist. And I refuse to buy the next size up. Sorry, but I can make this work until the ass shrinks.

But I’m trying to get over the panicked feeling I get when I wear them. See, my old jeans were wide-leg boyfriend style jeans - plenty of leg room. These new ones are boot cut. And like I said, they look great, but I’m freaking out feeling the fabric on my legs. Which is nothing new, because I’ve done that since I was about 12 or 13. I remember once my mom bought me a pair of jeans, and I tried them on and freaked out - started crying and hyperventilating. She asked me what the hell was wrong with me, and I said I couldn’t stand to feel the fabric on my legs; it was making me feel massive. Even though I wasn’t - I had size 10 clothes falling off me - I couldn’t take it because it made me feel like my legs were the biggest legs to ever exist.

And I feel that way now … I keep trying to listen to my husband when he tells me they look great and slimming. I just wish I didn’t feel so bloody self conscious all the time.