Scarling

I just ran 5K!

I’m so pleased with myself!

I’m going to keep running 5K every Friday until it gets easier, then up it half a mile each time!

I just ran two miles - non-stop - for the first time in my life!

I feel amazing!

Well, I’m working on C25K - so this week I will be running a mile and a half every Mon, Wed, Fri.

I’m getting annoyed at myself for having a day’s rest in between - so starting this week I will be doing a half hour of other exercise (it can very from muscle strenghtening to yoga, but will probably have at least ten to fifteen minutes aerobic a day) Tues and Thurs.

Rest on the weekends … that’s what they exist for.

I’ve also decided to forgoe the baked potato at lunch … just salad with tuna for protein to keep me going til tea time.

It’s how I used to eat … how I used to work out … I think I’ve built up my strength enough and have the willpower to keep with it.

Also gonna take tiny bits of exercise where I can get them - for example, I just did forty step-ups on the stairs in the corner before actually going upstairs. I will use the fact that I get to work early and use the sink counters in the bathrooms for tricep dips (also something I used to do a couple years ago). Fidget at my desk (even more so) as this can burn an additional 300 cals a day. I’ve cut out all pop (except for the very, very rare diet coke/pepsi when the drink machine is out of bottled water), cut out coffee, only drink Skinny Cow hot chocolate (and again, that’s once or twice a week, tops). Going to cut out tea next … don’t need the extra sugar and milk that comes with each cup. Just water and the occassional juice from here on out.

I’m ready for the next steps … I’ve already stopped eating sandwiches (just salads and baked potatoes), stopped the lunctime treats (melon balls are my treat now), stopped coffee, stopped pop … ready to cut out the last of the bad bits in my diet, ready to up the exercise from three days a week to five.

If I’d tried to make all of these changes at once, I’d probably have failed … that was one of my problems in the past. Now that I’ve gradually gotten used to a few months of minor changes, I’m ready to make the last couple changes … and stick to this lifestyle for GOOD.

Yay! I’m down two pounds AND ran a mile and a half (with a little break in between).

That 1.5 miles took everything I had … but it’ll get easier from here on out … I’ll get used to it (then up it to two). The first one’s always the hardest … knew it wouldn’t be easy. Friday’s mile was almost too easy, so it’s nice to feel challenged again (it’ll be even nice when it’s not a challenge, hah).

And, apart from a single malted milk biscuit on the round at work, I have been so good food-wise today, too. I resisted all the cookies and doughnuts.

And I got another compliment today at work … someone said I looked like I had sparkle and that they were impressed with how dedicated I’ve been to my “healthy kick” as they called it.

Was ordering my baked potato with a side salad at lunch today … and the serving lady said she was sure I had beetroot pickle … I made a face and was like, nooooo, and she said …

“Well you’ve lost so much weight I must be confusing you with someone else! Don’t recognise you anymore!”

My jaw dropped. I’ve still got a long way to go, but it’s a big boost to hear people say such good things!

And I’ve started the couch-to-five-k running programme … ran a mile this morning first thing and it felt GREAT! I’ve also started a couch-to-100-pushups programme … did 27 pushups this morning … can feel myself getting stronger.

Why didn’t I do this years ago?!

OK, so the way I was treated at the doctor’s yesterday threw my head into a tailspin.

I more or less starved myself the rest of yesterday, then binged on pasta today.

That’s the old pattern … I will not let that happen again.

I will not let that asshole give me such a mindscrew that I start starving and binging again … no way.

I’m gonna stick with what I’ve been doing lately … stick to the plan. Up the exercise when it no longer hurts and make it hurt a little again, but stick with the food plan.

I won’t let him win.

So I went to the doctor today about an ongoing stomach condition.

The only doctor available is one that EVERYONE hates. He treats you like you are wasting his time. He told one person my friend knows that she was overreacting and had nothing to worry about - yeah, she had cancer. It’s nothing, hunh?

Anyway, I went in today because the pills they gave me to treat this acid imbalance aren’t working as well anymore - he cut me off halfway through trying to explain the past six months and said “you’re overweight.”

… yes, but I’ve been this way since sixteen … so … it’s not exactly a contributing factor.

He said it about five times, then asked me how my weight was. I said more or less stable. He said “when it’s not stable, what is it, more or less?”

I said I had a bad tendency to lose five or seven pounds then gain it back.

And he fucking SMIRKED.

He then once again pointed out I was overweight and sarcastically gave me a slot for an ultrasound on my stomach.

I wanted to smash his Mercedes’ lights.

Yesterday I got a compliment out of the blue - someone who knows me fairly well said that I looked like I’d lost weight from my ribs/waist.

I’m too frightened to weigh myself … but if other people are mentioning it, then I must be starting to slim down!

I’ve been walking about seven miles a week from going back and forth to work, and been trying to keep with a few basic toning exercises (crunches, squats, that sort of thing) a few times a week … also, no pop, booze, cut down to pretty much one treat a day … I’m quite pleased with myself!

Doing better today. Feeling better mentally today.

Ate my breakfast, walked a mile to work (in the rain … that sucked. Especially since I left my brolly at work yesterday!).

Had a rice and chicken thing for lunch (forget what it was called. It was healthy and yummy).

Got a ride home (would have walked only a friend took pity on me in my drowned rat with a head cold state).

Had a beef stew for dinner, with a cookie as a treat.

Stuck to my diet, dragged my ass through walking to work and actually got ahead at work.

Am not freaking out about my face/etc anymore. I’m sorry for those who had to read that … I sort of get all caught up sometimes and turn against myself. I was also hormonal and (although I didn’t know it at the time) in the starting stages of getting ill. So everything just came to a head and boiled over.

But, much in the same way as my head cold has exploded with infinite fury within my sinuses as a necessity for my body to fight it off and subdue, so have my emotions cooled and levelled after a violent outburst. Wish our emotions had immune systems to fight off the bad ones!

I can do this. I’ll probably have some more pitfalls along the way, but I’ll pick myself back up, dust myself off and keep on walking. Cause that’s all we can do in this life. We fall, we get back up. It’s what makes us alive.

I know I haven’t been writing in here as faithfully as I said I would.

This past week, work has been too much stress so when I get home, I don’t want to count calories versus minutes of exercise … I just want to relax my brain.

Also, I went out this past week to the pub with some girls from work … I normally don’t go out, so when they asked me along I figured, hey, why not, it’s not like I have a weekly opportunity here.

And I drank three pints.

And I decided in my drunken state that a meat feast pizza with a side of chips was a good idea.

I am disgusted at myself.

And what doesn’t help is I have BDD. I swear my body shape changes hourly depending on how good I feel about myself. And it’ll never look right to me.

But I can’t stand it … I can’t stand this … at least if I drop to the weight and size I was when I was about sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, I’ll know logically that I’m at a healthy weight and look ok - I can see in pictures now that I looked fine - when I never could see it then.

Even if I don’t see it in real life, I can remind myself in my head that that is what my body will look like that that weight … and that will help.

But right now … I feel like tearing myself apart. I hate the way I look. I hate how inactive I am now. I hate it all.

So, this whole counting calories thing is not going to be enough for me.

I need to set my limits.

Thinking back to the last time I was losing weight steadily and fairly healthily, my eating plan will be as follows:

Breakfast: 1 bowl of cereal. End of.
Lunch: 1 salad with water. End of.
Tea: 1 normal, healthy meal. End of.
Treats: 1 small, normal treat after tea and ONLY after tea (i.e. 1 cookie or three biscuits or 1 cake). End of.
Drinks allowed: Water, green tea and only 2 coffees a day. End of.

NO BOOZE. Whatsoever. Not even a glass of rose wine.

If, and only if, I can see weight loss on the scale or a noticable change in how my clothes fit (cause I’ll still look the same to me, I can only tell by scales or tight/loose clothing), then and only then will I be allowed ONE bottle of rose wine.

Daily exercises, to be done every morning before work:

30 full sit ups
30 leg lifts/leg
50 calf raises/leg
30 squats
10 floor press-ups
30 wall press-ups

Three times a week, after work, I will jog in place for 40-45 minutes.

I will lose this. I HAVE TO. Because I honestly cannot stand myself.

I bought a new pair of jeans yesterday, because my old ones were worn through. And they fit nice - except for the ass, because my ass is a size larger than my waist. And I refuse to buy the next size up. Sorry, but I can make this work until the ass shrinks.

But I’m trying to get over the panicked feeling I get when I wear them. See, my old jeans were wide-leg boyfriend style jeans - plenty of leg room. These new ones are boot cut. And like I said, they look great, but I’m freaking out feeling the fabric on my legs. Which is nothing new, because I’ve done that since I was about 12 or 13. I remember once my mom bought me a pair of jeans, and I tried them on and freaked out - started crying and hyperventilating. She asked me what the hell was wrong with me, and I said I couldn’t stand to feel the fabric on my legs; it was making me feel massive. Even though I wasn’t - I had size 10 clothes falling off me - I couldn’t take it because it made me feel like my legs were the biggest legs to ever exist.

And I feel that way now … I keep trying to listen to my husband when he tells me they look great and slimming. I just wish I didn’t feel so bloody self conscious all the time.